what do you say?

sunday is a fun day. it's my only day off during the week. hang out. do some laundry sometimes. maybe have some drinks with friends.

about two weeks ago summer officially started. and i'm in florida. so it's hot. quite hot. it's sticky and gross and suffocating hot. this is about the time of year when i cannot drink red wine. especially outside. i am slowly befriending sauvignon blanc, but it is a long process. i just need something light, refreshing, and very very cold. so what do i get?

a mojito.

white rum, soda, sugar, lime and mint. gently meddle the mint and sugar together. either with a mortar and pestal or in the glass with said meddler. bruise the mint enough to release the flavor. add rum and lime juice. stir. drink.

we'll have two mojitos please. ok.

for a bartender, mojitos are not very fun to make. they take a while and actually require some physical labor. so i tend to give a small apology or a disclaimer if you will. i love them but i hate to order them. and i will only ask for one round. the bartender, who is also a friend, is kind of new so we say- hey. you got that right?

of couse he knows how to make a mojito. he says.

maybe six minutes later he sets down two glasses of scientific wonder.
my friend and i look at eachother horrified.
he has to get up and leave before he dies laughing.

somehow the bartender managed to turn the mint into a nasty pulpy sludge. it floated to the top and turned the entire drink green. and then he gave them to us. to drink.
for those of you who do not know what a mojito is or looks like - i have included a picture of one. can you guess which one it is?
now- to his credit- they kind of actually tasted like mojitos. not good mojitos, but mojitos none the less. my friend poured most of his into the bush.

how are they, guys?

fantastic! thank you so much!

because... what do you say? he is our friend. not a best friend. but we do hang out. and he was taking himself very seriously. i know we could have asked for something else. but we couldn't bring ourselves to it.

a mistake is one thing. this was just blasphemous.

song and dance man

i don't think words are very necessary for these images. but if you can't see the tap shoes, then take a closer look.

the black card

we are free to make choices every day.
we are very lucky to do so.
what we want for breakfast, what toothpaste to brush our teeth with, what car to drive, what city to live in, how much to tip our server....
whatever you choose to do is perfectly fine.

unless you have a $23 tab and you hand me your frigging american express black card. then, my friend, you have just asked me if i can break a million dollar bill for you because you have nothing smaller. whether you know it or not, you have made a choice to leave me an extremely gratuitous tip.

i see the black card (which has honestly only been twice. they're rare. very rare.) and i think- hey. a million bucks. you have at least a million bucks at any given time. and i do not.
and you know i know. maybe it's your way of saying- hey, lady. see what i got? you're getting at least %50 today. if not much more. unfortunately, that is not what you are thinking. i get that by now. but it should be.

not to mention the fact that you have to physically hand it to me just so i know it's made of some precious metal. for those of you who have not come into contact with the black card, it weighs about as much as a small cell phone. i am not exaggerating.

allow me to give a couple of quick facts...

you cannot apply for a black card. you have to be so wealthy (spending upwards of at least $250,000 a year...and affording a $1,000 annual fee) as to be invited. and it comes with such perks as 24 hour access to a personal concierge. buy-one-get-one free on all first class airline tickets. free travel agent and consulatation with a financial advisor. free one-night's stay in every Mandarin Oriental hotel worldwide once a year. you have just handed me the ultimate symbol of wealth.

the official number of "invitations" in circulation is not disclosed but is estimated only to be in the hundreds. check it out. it's worth a google.

gucci and saks care about your black card. my restaurant and i do not, so keep it in your wallet and give me the visa.

especially if you don't realize proper black card etiquitte.

and don't think i glanced over the fact that you clearly are not the one working for your millions and/or billions. because you sat. in my booth. from eleven. until three. drinking wine. on a tuesday. i am not resenting these people, but there is a time and a place for your black card. make the right choice.

what happened was

my girlfriend and i had a dinner party saturday evening.

one of the girls who came owns a fondue pot, so we had decided to pick up some fondue cheese at publix. i looked in the fancy cheese kiosk and didn't see it. so i looked in the dairy area next to the yogurts. nope.

so i found someone and asked him where i should go. he didn't really seem to know so he found me someone else. kevin, do you know where the fondue kits are?
kevin: oh. see- what happened was.........................we don't have them anymore.
me: ok. thank you.
kevin: um. i can order you more.
me: no, that's ok i need it for tonight.
kevin: let me check one more thing.

then, kevin walked into the butcher area, turned around and came right back out.

kevin: see- what happened was.........................................we put it in the hurricane katrina bags. so they could eat fondue.


so they could eat fondue.

too ridiculous. mildly hilarious.