nicely done

smells like killer bees

lyons, colorado. the day after christmas, 2005.

in the 14th century, the black death single-handedly erased over 1/3 of europe's population. according to boulder county public health, "the first dead black squirrel was observed on wednesday, may 18, 2005. since that time, several additional black squirrels have died, and BCPH received positive test results for one carcass yesterday (may 25)."

hysteria.

no children or domesticated animals are allowed in the local park.
pets are kept inside.
houses and yards are saturated with insecticide.
pants are tucked into socks.

believe me. i don't think disease is funny. there actually may be a chance that somebody's cat could become infected.
then what?
i'll tell you. mama takes kitty to the vet and kitty is ok.

plague is a bacterial infection. cureable by antibiotics.
we've come a long way since the 14th century. these days, people get sick and go to a doctor- or go to the hospital. those days, each family member of a confirmed victim were 'quarantined' for 30 days. in the same room. plague kills 2-6 days after infection. do the math.
on average, worldwide -between 10 and 14 die because of the boubonic plague.

in order, these are the current 15 leading causes of death:
diseases of the heart, malignant neoplasm, cerebrovascular disease, chronic lower respiratory disease, accidents, diabetes mellitus, influenza and pneumonia, alzhemier's disease, nephrosis, septicaemia, suicide, chronic liver disease, primary hypertension, parkinson's disease, and pneumonitis due to solids or liquids.

sorry, no plague.

something had to be said.

soup du jour

two days ago a sink fell out of the wall at work.

this afternoon the plummer installed a new sink.

he unearthed the bowels of the restaurant.

my vocabulary is not grand enough to properly convey how offensive an odor so rank can be. the thought burned in my mind that such a stench could, in fact, be fatal. so poisonous and toxic it could drown you to death. liquify your innerds. taint your blood and drive you insane.

a small riot broke out as each person came in for their shift. this was supernatural. this was death. i was there for four hours and the stench was still there when i left. i know i took some of it home.

we opened the doors and killed two aerosol bottles of "potpourri." we poured bleach on the floor and turned up the fans and tried not to gag. i'm over potpourri. i want it out of my life. if this things sleeps there overnight i will probably quit. i will definitely quit.

food was cooked. meals were eaten. it was disgusting.

but this is my life. this is a restaurant. we peel roaches off the floors. we spray the dish hose at rats. things get dirty- things get rinsed. things like food. like steaks. butter packets are fingered and molded back to their original shape. refrigerated. thawed. handled. refrigerated.

dishes were washed in this sink for chrissake.

you can call him cyclops

he is polyphemous.
he lived on my wall for seven days and never moved.
what you see here is the prelude to his exodus.

they have no mouths and never eat. they have yet to be documented in tampa.

he was very quiet.
i cried when he left.

re: gingerbread house

mr. blogspot asked me a random question today.

"what would you wear for camoflage if you were hiding in a gingerbread house?"
easy. gingerbread. i would wear my gingerbread suit.

then i started getting nervous. is this a trick question? i should have said dark khaki... or brown cordouroy! and i have a couple of questions, myself, mr. blogspot...

i need to rethink this and start from the top.

ok. i know that i am hiding. and i know where i am.
first, i thought this gingerbread house must belong to the person/monster/witch that i am hiding from. but that wouldn't give me nearly enough time to plan an outfit! and if this were the case- i would probably just get the fu*k out of this creepy house and run as fast as i can through the (most likely) haunted forest.
so, then i think this has to be my gingerbread house. if i were to hide, the safest bet would be to go home and lock the doors and call the police.

shame on me for making a house out of gingerbread.

that was my first mistake. and i assume that since i was so smart as to make my home out of gingerbread- i probably didn't think too hard about having important things like phones or locks or alarms. especially since i am going around pissing off people/monsters/witches. who, might i add, could either eat through my walls and find me and my gingerbread suit hiding in the corner, or just pick up a rock and crumble that cookie. and let's not even think about inclement weather...

so this is what i have decided to do.

me and my gingerbread suit are going to sit on my crumby porch and wait for this person/monster/witch. when they arrive i am going to apologize for what i have done. i am sorry. please forgive me. i have lost my mind and cannot be held responsible for my actions. look at what i have done. i have made myself a gingerbread house. what i did was very wrong and you should take me to the police.
and me and this person/monster/witch will go to the police and i will promptly be arrested and sent to the nearest institution. me and my gingerbread suit will not be bothering you anymore.

goodbye, gingerbread house.